Always want what we cant have

Im sad.. a lot more than people probably ever know. I always have to be the friend/sister/kid that is upbeat and fixes everyone elses problems. I think the last time my sister saw me cry, she cried JUST because she was so freaked out that I cried. case and point. I feel like I've just been in a funk and cant get out of it. I cant get motivated or get anything done on a list of things to do that just keeps growing. My sister has this friend who, for a while, was almost enfatuated with me. I never heard the end of it, and instead of accepting it, I would say "oh if she only knew what a **** I really am, she wouldnt be so jealous" and it was that line of talk over and over, if she saw me with no makeup, no hair do, no anything, she wouldnt be so jealous. I always beat myself up. and I dont know why, or how to stop. I just know its really getting to me.
I feel like I always accept less than what Im worth, because I dont feel like Im WORTH it. Why is that? I date a guy who is AMAZING at first, and then just falls off, and I take it because I dont think I deserve better. But at the same time, there is a guy in my life, who, more and more, I think is perfect for me. We talk about things that only my BEST friend knows, things I would never say to a guy, and it feels so good to say it. So why do I cling to the other guy when its starting to seem obvious he's pushing me away? I hate rejection. I fucking hate it. I will rationalize everything he does or doesn't do if it means I dont get rejected. Why am I like that? I take things so personally. I have to win all the time, I have to be the girl that gets picked, the girl thats funny, the girl that everyone likes because I rely on all of YOU to make ME feel better about myself. How ass backwards is that?
This week, my goal is to start getting shit done for me, not so I can do it, show it to someone, and hear them say "GOOD JOB". Who cares about what anyone else thinks? They will never have to suffer my consequences, and I shouldnt ever really depend on them to pat me on the back. Not that it doesnt feel good.. but it should be something extra, not something I need to survive.

Day #1

Growing up, I've always been the person that talks a lot.. too much sometimes. I can talk to any random stranger for an hour about any given topic without feeling any stress at all. People that know me will tell you how social I am.. how outgoing I am.. how "....." I am. There is so much irony to that.. because I rarely ever talk about anything that REALLY matters to me. Not that I sit and blow smoke up peoples ass all day, but really to sit and talk about personal, real, important things.... its just not me. At 25, Im starting to realize that is becoming a major problem for so many reasons. That leads me to this blog. I dont intend for anyone to ever read this as much as I am writing it for myself. This will be my project. To start talking about things that matter, and maybe finding some solutions to things that have been bothering me for such a long time.